Real Housewives of Little Stempington
by PassionatelyHiddlestoned
Summary: Joyce Hazeldine, a meek housewife that moved to Little Stempington with her family for peace, ended up getting the shock of her life. Now that she's knee-deep in organized crime and undercover gang rivalries, can she balance her stressful double life of mother, wife, and mobster? *stories set in between the 1st and 2nd season I came up with* M for drugs, swearing, suggestiveness.


Joyce Hazeldine woke to the lovely sound of birds chirping, the breeze blowing through the trees, and the warmth of the hot summer sun shining in through the window.

She opened her eyes, and smiled. This was one of those rare nights she had gotten a good night's sleep since she moved to Little Stempington. She closed her eyes again, and listened, relishing the blissful silence. Until…

*BANG*

Joyce's eyes shot open as a gunshot rang through the air. She sighed. _I knew it wouldn't last long. Nothing peaceful ever lasts long in this town…_ she thought to herself as she jumped out of bed, staying quiet for her stirring husband Jeremy. He mumbled something, flipped over, and went back to sleep.

Joyce breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn't heard the shot, and scrambled to the window. She peeked over the ledge, and saw Camilla and her gang, standing in her front yard.

She pulled on a housecoat and slippers, and hurried downstairs before they could fire again. She shut the door quickly behind her.

"Couldn't you have just knocked on the door?" Joyce whispered, eyebrows knit. Camilla smirked, taking off her sunglasses and neatly folding them. "You know that's not my style. Especially with something as urgent, and _secretive_ as this."

Joyce looked at her. "Oh please. Not another French drug smuggler?" Camilla laughed. "No, no. Nothing like that. Heaven forbid we get another one like him. No darling, I'm here because I've discovered a new way to make billions of dollars in profit." Lillian grinned, stroking her gun. "Fucking billions," she emphasized. Joyce swallowed. "Doing what?"

"You'll see. Just meet us at the café at 10:30. Sharp." The three turned and walked toward their van. "But-" Joyce sputtered. Hilary turned around. "Don't be late, dear!" she said with a wave.

Joyce sighed, and shut her mouth. She watched the silver van pull out of her driveway, and shoot off down the road. Her shoulders sagged as she realized that she was just sucked into another one of Camilla's endeavours.

She straightened. Maybe I'll say no, she thought, I'll take a stand. She walked back into the house, and carefully shut the door, not making a creak. She turned around, and shrieked.

"Oh, Bill!" she said, relaxing. She had forgotten he was even in the house.

Her teenage son looked at her with worry. "Sorry about the fright mum, I just wanted to make sure everything was alright. I heard a gun go off!" Joyce stared back at him like a deer caught in headlights.

"Oh, um… that was probably just our neighbour, practicing his hunting…" she tried, smiling at him. He looked out the window, and shrugged. "Alright then." He sat down at the table, pouring himself some cereal. "I'm gonna go for a run, then meet up with Jewel in the park," he said, crunching on his breakfast.

Joyce got out the coffeemaker. "You know, I don't like that Jewel girl very much. She doesn't seem very… well…. wholesome." Instead of taking offense to the comment, Bill just laughed as he got up and kissed his mum on the cheek.

"Now you're starting to sound like an old person," he grinned, and left. Joyce smiled to herself, and started the coffee. "Good morning, poppet," a deep voice said from behind her. She turned around in surprise. "Oh Jeremy! I wasn't expecting you up this early!" He rubbed his eyes.

"I thought I heard a gunshot…" he said, frowning. Joyce bit her lip. "But that couldn't have been what I heard," he smiled, and hugged her from behind, "This town is so crime free, I'd be surprised if anyone but the police owned a firearm, hm?" Joyce laughed uneasily with him.

"Well, I've got to go out today, darling," she said as he sat down with his coffee, "And I suspect I'll be gone until very late." "Yes? Where to?" "Um, health club with Camilla, then some charity work." Jeremy nodded. "It's great you have such good friends here, love." She nodded slowly. "Yes… such lovely people…"

He got up. "Better be off. My shift starts in a half an hour." Joyce smiled as she kissed him goodbye, and he left.

She let out a breath once he had gone, and leaned against the counter.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Barbara's head popped up from behind the couch. Joyce jumped, and clutched her chest as she realized who it was. "Barbara!" she gasped, "Why must you do that? Nobody here knows what a doorbell is!"

Barbara narrowed her eyes and squinted out the window, surveying the premises for any of Camilla's snooping ladies. "It's the only way, Joyce," Barbara said, gritting her teeth militantly, "The only way to assure that Camilla doesn't see us talking."

Joyce nodded, and went over. Barbara sat down on the couch. "We've got a terrible problem, Joyce." Joyce sat down beside her. "I have a hunch Camilla and her gang are up to something just devious." Joyce raised her eyebrows.

"They did ask me this morning to meet them at the café, to talk about some way to make billions of dollars out of something." Barbara's eyes lit up, and she gripped Joyce's shoulders. "Did they say what?" "No-" "You have to go with her! To see what she's doing to spoil our Little Stempington, and we can right this wrong together!"

Joyce took a deep breath, feeling rather faint. "Why can't I just have a normal life?" Barbara gave her a reassuring smile. "Because, Joyce. You're built for something a lot more than that. Now, go see what that wicked woman is up to now!"

* * *

Over in the park, Bill had finished his run, and was searching for Jewel. He found her by a tree, and sat down beside her. "Hello, Africa Boy," she said, grinning. He grinned back, leaning against the tree. "Hi. What did you want to meet about?"

Her smile disappeared. "Do I need a reason to invite my one true love out for a morning in the park?" He quickly shook his head. "Oh, no. No, of course not. I was just wondering." "I just wanted to see you, silly," she said, playfully tugging on his shirt. She leaned in for a kiss, but Bill didn't notice, and looked around at the landscape.

"Isn't summer such a beautiful season?" he asked in childlike wonder, oblivious to Jewel's advance. She huffed. "Very." "So romantic as well," Bill said, looking back over to her. Jewel stared up at him, an idea sparking inside of her.

"Bill! I've a wonderful idea!" His eyes widened. "What?!" She grinned excitedly. "Tonight, meet me in my backyard. We'll have a romantic night of stargazing! Mommy's working tonight, so it will be perfect!" Bill smiled. "That sounds lovely."

* * *

Joyce got in her car, starting the engine. She flipped on the radio, so she would have something to fill her head instead of what horrible plan Camilla had, that she now had to take part in.

She drove down the main stretch of shops, stopping at the end café where Camilla's gang always got together to talk. As she approached the door, she saw Lillian, Hillary, and Camilla sitting at their usual spot, and with the lift of an eyebrow from Camilla, everyone cleared out of the shop.

"Joyce, how kind of you to join us," she said, smiling. "How's your gorgeous son doing?" Hilary asked, smirking a little. Joyce just sat down, past the point of polite gestures with the group. "Yes well," Camilla continued, dropping the smile, "Here's what we're going to do. We're going to start a cannabis business."

Joyce gasped. "What?!" "Yes, brilliant isn't it? We'll distribute in through a system I came up with." "Mmmm, the money will come _piling_ in," Hilary laughed.

"That may just be the worst thing you've done yet!" Joyce said, mouth hanging open. "Thank you," Camilla smiled. "Look, what part do I play in this?" "You'll be the one selling it," Hilary said.

"Yes, we deal with the executive matters, shipping, handling and such. You'll be our little distributor." Joyce gulped. "We get the shipment this afternoon, I'll keep it at my place in the backyard. No one will find it there."

Out by the pond, the patrol car sat in its usual immobile state.

"Is it normal for a woman to get a little… jumpy, Haines?" Jeremy asked, pondering his wife's slightly hasty behavior lately. Haines looked over at him. "I'd say it's normal, sir. She's probably worrying about you, out here on dangerous police work all day," the younger cop said.

Jeremy turned and frowned at the younger cop. "That's the thing, Haines, there's nothing dangerous about police work in Little Stempington. The worst thing that happens around here is a squirrel getting run over."

Haines raised his eyebrows, slightly cocking his head in disagreement. "YI wouldn't be so sure, sir," he said with a deep breath as he stared solemnly out at the monotone scenery before them. "You never know when crime will strike. It could happen at any moment. Around any corner. Just spring up before our eyes-"

"Haines?" "Yes sir?" "That's enough." "Yes sir."

* * *

Instead of driving straight home, Joyce took a detour to Barbara's house. There, she found Pam and Margaret, Margaret enjoying a cup of tea while Pam polished a gun. "Hello Joyce!" Pam sang cheerily, and Margaret waved a greeting. "Barb'll be home any moment now, she just went out for some shopping."

True to Pam's word, Barbara came in through the front door just a few seconds later.

"What's the matter dear, you look awfully worried?" she said, rubbing Joyce on the back and inviting her to sit down. "I just spoke with Camilla." Barbara's face showed understanding, and she listened attentively. "And?" "And," Joyce took a deep breath, "They're planning to start an undercover cannabis business."

Barbara pursed her lips as her face twisted into a disgusted scowl. "That horrid double-crosser!" she spat. "Not to worry though," she said, a smug grin appearing on her face, "We'll have her plans destroyed sooner than you can say bollocks."

Pam shook her head. "She really has gone low, hasn't she?" Barbara nodded solemnly. "Which is why she must be stopped!" "I'd love to kick that bitch's head in," Pam smiled deviously, loading her shiny gun with a satisfying click.

"I smoked cannabis once," Margaret said thoughtfully from the other couch, "I don't remember any of the experience though, only that I woke up in the backseat of my boyfriend's brother's car…" Pam turned to her incredulously. "Shut up, Margaret!" Margaret shrugged, and took another sip of tea.

Suddenly, the door began to unlock. "Quick, it's Ray!" Barbara hissed, and they all scrambled to hide the guns and such. They cleaned up just in time, when Barbara's long-time husband came into the living room.

"Ah, hello ladies," he smiled, rubbing his hands together, "What are you up to this fine day?" The four looked at each other. "Well, we were just discussing an upcoming bake sale. It's a fundraiser for a wildlife campaign," Barbara said.

"Yes, we were just discussing what the color of the icing on the biscuits should be," Pam said sweetly, smoothing her pink skirt. Ray smiled. "Sounds lovely. I'll leave you all to it then." He kissed Barbara on the cheek, and went upstairs.

They all breathed out at the close call, and looked at one another.

"Remember Joyce," Barbara said, "You've got to stay strong through this." Joyce nodded wearily. Barbara smiled. "Little Stempington needs you." Margaret and Pam nodded, and Joyce waved as she left.

She got in her car, and began her drive back home. She looked forward to going home and spending a relaxing evening with Jeremy, especially since Bill would probably be out late with Jewel. A nice peaceful evening… that is, until tomorrow.


End file.
